Journey From Heart

…waiting of Kurukshetra

2012-01-25T13:56:00.003+05:30

I am Kurukshetra, the battle ground. I have seen 16 days of great war, the Mahabharat, the war of honour. But today is different, though I have no personal agenda, still I prefer to pause for a moment for someone who made me proud dying here.

…17th day over. Kurukshetra battleground is mourning on the demise of the great Karna. Mourning is not for the sake of his demise, these kind of warriors are born to honour the death, the mourn is for the reason that the great warrior could not get his due identity and the honour in his lifetime he deserves.

His mother, Kunti, could not dare to cut the rope of societal prestige, and his father, the Sun, could not find time from his busy schedule of charioting the galaxy to make others alive. Whom do I ask, if there is one who is guilty in the birth of Karna, then who he/she is? I am sure, Karna himself is not guilty. But through out his life he got punished for the sin he has never committed. Being the son of a charioteer (low cast) is not an act of shame. But if he was born in the low cast and got recognized as a Kshatriya (higher cast), then it would have been an insult to his mother…because, a mother has no cast…she is for sure far above it.

Hey Sun God, your son will be a question for the societies in the future. as when someone has no control over his/her birth, then why he/she get the punishment for that. But I am sure…in certain point of time, in a different identity, in a different era….you and Knunti have to take the brave step…you both have to stop the way you have abandoned Karna in Dwapar yuga…I, the poor battle ground Kurukshetra is waiting for that day.

Cow dung

2012-01-25T11:11:00.001+05:30

Normal human being is like a piece of cow dung. We all are. We are supressed quietly under the burden of daily routine, family, prestige and becomes history. Once at least let someone burn the pile of the history. Then we will say; all of us, how it feels to be like cow dung.

For you

2011-11-01T00:08:00.001+05:30

Oh beloved!
O beloved darling!
On my knees, alive but dead.
Look at the invisible blood, I am dead.
I'm not gone, my mind has drifted.
Don't expect much,
I am wrapped and twisted.

The clouds have gathered every time,
but it rained not once.
My beloved never come close to me,
the night passed on.

it’s selfish

2011-10-29T19:32:00.001+05:30

There is nothing selfish than Love,

it doesn't ask for sacrifice, but a determination to achieve,

no great intent, but a small wish to be with the one you love,

this is its secret, and this makes it success.

What others will say, think, what's right, what's wrong,

all have no meaning,

when one sheds off all these worthless burden over heart,

road will be clear, life will be easier,

destiny will give it's pen write it your own.

Happy Rakhya Bandhan

2011-08-13T01:54:00.001+05:30

She loves me, fights at silly, fumes when teased, shares the smallest of the chocolate, opens door at my late night return, waits till late to make me eat, lies often at papa for me, acts as spy for my mom, fights often…shares all…loves limitless…and on the day of Rakhi ties all her faith on my right hand…feeds me sweets…prays for my long life…and gives me a hug i can ever ask at almighty.

Love you dear sisters…

HAPPY RAKHYA BANDHAN

Happy Friendship Day

2011-08-07T01:10:00.001+05:30

Hello Buddy ?

It's been more than years and we are more like enemies than friends !!!And the irony is, you are my lucky star all the way along. It’s not a different Sunday today but a day to recall all the sweet n sour moments with a glimpse of half moon on your lips....are you smiling ??? (Kamine nahin hasa to tera khoon pi jaunga)

I still remember you being philosophical on stupid topics,

Of being quite and talking the most,

Of headaches and hand aches of loosing and smiling together,

Of winning and shaking heart to heart,

Of being teasing each other,

Of telling lies on each others and smiling together,

Of getting fear and saying …cool, dude,

Of watching late night movies (which movies U know better) and telling white lies to parents,

Of proposing the same and being enemies,

Of getting rejected and crying together,

Of going to unknown parties to eat free and getting caught,

Of ignoring each other and caring,

Of agreeing and disagreeing,

Of talking all unparliamentary words and listening carefully,

Of fighting till blood and searching for band-aid,

Of being accused of useless from parents and smiling at each other,

Of listening and forgetting,

Of crying to see at sickness …. to fight with doctor,

Of forgetting B'day and asking for parties,

Of applying cake as facial and eating that,

Of scolding each other and smiling,

Of sharing the ladoos from aunty,

Of writing each other’s love letters,

Of forwarding SMS and calling to ask...Got it ?

Of copying each others project and swearing on God...'Its genuine'

Of copying paper in Exam and smiling with pride,

Of searching job together and telling....'interviewer was dumb'

Of getting job and partying late night

Of telling 'my boss knows nothing'

Of till date challenging the sentence "CHANGE IS CONSTANT"....cos getting a friend like you proves....at times the ever true ‘Change’ is helpless at this divinity.....

Happy Friendship Day

Love,

Sakti…a devil by choice !

Work in progress

2011-07-24T10:01:00.001+05:30

We mostly live life on the path 'destiny' set for us,
too afraid to explore any other,
but once in a while 'the one' comes along,
who knock down all the obstacles destiny puts on the way as planned,
to realize free will is a gift
one will never know how to use
until one fights for it.

I think that's the ultimate plan of the almighty...

...to see more people defy the destiny
...to see more people fight for it
...to see more people write it for their own

May be one day, we wont to walk on the path laid by destiny,
but on the one which is always 'work in progress'.

The whole universe is transforming towards the day,
when 'we' will stand near the writer's table and say...

"Will you hand it over to me, I want to write my own destiny?"

Because I know no other!

2011-04-22T18:28:00.001+05:30

That broad, strong frame,

Those blushed up red cheeks,

Bright and chirpy eyes,

That curly asset — his hair

Like the tendrils to hold my little fingers in,

And sometimes my ball pen and paper rocket

I can never forget those mystery coils

Smooth as bed, pitch black, oily and shiny,

The hairs of my Papa.

His small sharp black beard

From where I learnt what sensation was all about

When he rubs his beardy cheeks on me

I chose to forget the world

And he, his’ on my giggling

The soapy creamy lather

Just like the butter on the b’day cake

The walk of the razor on his face

And the small toffee as gift for holding the mirror.

Neat, clean and firm

With few bluish veins

I remember those hands

I think of them often

They were the only set of hands

Capable of lifting me up whenever I fell

Tailor-made

Just to anchor me anytime.

Those hands

Walks through my naughty hairs

Making me fearless

When Mom shouts at my mischief

And becomes a slapping machine

When getting caught smoking the half burnt beedi* of grandpa

Full of mystery

The hands of my Papa.

Holding me through my testing times

Nurturing me out of my pain

I can never forget

Rock solid, passionate, loving, and artistic—

The hands of my Papa.

The waiting for festivals

The early rise in the morning

The searching for the new dress

And fighting with my elder bro

For telling his dress better than me

Papa’s rescue hugs and kisses on forehead

Forgetting the fight on the joy of being dearer

Still pondering, still searching for the same

But can’t get with 30K** Armani or 50K Tuxedo.

Bank for me was his wallet,

Shoulder as vehicle…

Love for me was snuggling up to his nose,

Just as I did when I was a kid,

Smell for me was his sweaty shirts,

Which I could smell three rooms apart,

Touch for me was when he pressed my head

And I would pass out into deep slumber,

Religion for me was his prayers in the morning

And above all,

Happiness to me was a picture of him in his handsome, glorious past.

I often ask myself:

Why this obsession?

Why this undying, untainted love?

Why these urge to spot him in a crowd?

The only answer I get to all these baffling questions is — because I know no other!

No wonder, today, when I think back on these words

Love, happiness, religion — I can’t seem to find meaning in them.

Their connotation and implication in my life has changed,

Just like my Papa

But, the one thing that has not changed is his hands,

They still can lift me up when I fall,

Hold me through testing times and nurture me out of my pain.

He is, unfortunately, not the same,

His broad-strong frame has shrunk into a fragile reminiscence of his past,

His cheeks are shrivelled, thus can’t blush up,

His beautiful, bright black-eyes

Are glazed and tainted forever with an ocean of pain, responsibility and experience.

His curly asset, they have shed, balding him of his demeanour.

My handsome hero has surely changed,

But my love for him never will!

Because I know no other!

Notes:

* Beedi = Similar to cigar but mostly used in Indian countryside

** K = Thousand

Mom

2011-04-17T21:00:00.001+05:30

She cooks my favourite…

Tastes for salt…

Offers a little to God to save more for me…

She feeds me for strength…

Teaches me to tell the truth…

Lies often to see me smile…

She watches the clock…

Warns me to sleep by 10…

Stitches for my dreams till 12…

Keeps me telling, don’t fear, don’t cry…

Makes me smile…

I couldn’t understand till date, but I know…

She sheds few tears in my happiness and joy…

Always advise me to think global…think for all…

But she always starts and stops her heart at me…

It took me years to know, I am the world at her…

Ties a bunch of Rakhis on my wrist,

When I cry seeing others at bay…

She laughs at joy…hugs me at heart…

When I ask…may I call you didi from now…

Dresses me in new…

Puts a black spot on my forehead…

Carries me to school…

Kisses me like mad, when I stood first in class…

But I felt embarrassed…

That day…

My first salary…thought of surprising with a saree…

Woke up at 6…

Went to see her at bedroom…could not find…

In kitchen I saw the kheer I die to take a bite…

But she was not there…

I heard the sound of her bangles…

She was coming out of our Puja room…

Smiling at heart and shedding two drops of tears…

I showed her the saree and asked, “Do you like this?”

She touched that with joy…I could see by her tears…

Then held my ear, like she used to…

And asked, “Have you got a puja saree for the Goddess?”

I shake my head in saying NO…

She kissed at my forehead…

And said, “I knew you will forget, so I brought one, when will grow up”

Still I could not gather my courage to tell…

I don’t want to think about anything stone…

Could not tell…

Don’t want to tell…

You are the Goddess for me…Mom.

Thank you

2011-04-10T09:15:00.001+05:30

No picture is perfect with single colour

Happiness has no meaning without pain....

I am thankful for your kindness

For the lesson you taught on life

How can I complain....

You have given me enough to think at...enough to smell for...enough to love with...

I have no time anything else...

Thank you...

I am thankful for your kindness [1]

Let me witness the story of my luck....

It’s sometimes killingly insane....sometimes lovingly darling....

When my luck freed me to love...I became the king...

I started loving each and all...

Then how come I hate my killer...

It’s so lovingly insane....so intimately hateful...so unusually caring...

I started believing that life has no meaning without death…

Thank you...

I am thankful for your kindness [2]

I don’t know what is that?

2011-04-08T01:14:00.001+05:30

Where ever my feet are going

However far this way may go

Even if I am faltering

I will come with you…

Even if it’s a small separation

I cry

In my every heart beat

Am I not there?

You laugh or slap

I’ll be your shadow walking behind you

I know

You are the one…

Who cared to wipe out my tears

I don’t know what’s between us

The bond which I hadn’t heard in my mom’s lap…now become life

Giving me enough love for my life

Where ever my feet are going

However far this way may go

Even if I am faltering

I will come with you…

Chocolate…

2011-03-25T21:09:00.000+05:30

Chocolate…a tongue-twister for kids. But have you ever listened the taste of the chocolate with the crunchy sounds…have you ever seen the smell reflecting on a kid’s face!

Its incredibly yummy….

The silky smooth outer wrapper...have u listened the sound of joy when it get itself tored out???....its like a baby snoring in momma’s lap…or like a bunch of water drops sprinkled on dry petals.....just listen....

The golden yellow inner cover....its so smooth and delicate…just like the thin membrane on “moti chur ke laddus”.....simply close your eyes and walk the fingers on the surface….

The core…inner dark chocolaty part....just the best colour one baby can think of....give it a bite....ooohhhh....smooth like a knife making its way in butter and sometimes crunchy if its studded with nuts...

Take a deep bite…dissolve yourself in the chocolaty smooth tide…close your eyes and move your tongue like a wiper inside the mouth….slowly…very slowly like a snail making its way out… listen the the sound….it’s like eating the puffed rice in a wet evening while listening to granny's stories....muuuaaaahhhh

Hope you enjoyed the chocolate

Who am I ?

2011-03-13T10:16:00.001+05:30

I was born fool; my mom’s ear pulling made me smart!

I was sleepy; my dad’s smiling face on the field made me a bit otherwise!

I was lazy; the homework made me run!

I was selfish; unconditioned love of my brother made me a bit otherwise!

I was a loner; my friends made me social!

I was a looser; my sisters’ faith made me a bit otherwise!

I was calculative; the mother earth taught me to open up!

I was all brain; my niece’s smile made me a bit otherwise!

I was all serious; the autumn flower made me smile!

I was all complaining; tree’s shadow made me a bit otherwise!

let me think…without all the learning…who am I? May be a Devil

Short story: A night that was

2011-03-08T23:26:00.001+05:30

8.30 pm .Welcome to Cuttack Railway Station. A big sign board is glowing. But there is no glow on Malini’s face. She is fully tired.13 hrs journey extended to 21 hrs. Indian Railway. How India will grow? Irresponsible……She came to reality when the TT asked for ticket at the gate.

The night was unusually dark. Few auto rickshaws are there in the stand.

“Will you go to Buxi Bazar?” Malini asked

“No”, the auto driver slapped a spare answer and left.

This problem happen every where .Auto rickshaw fellow generally don’t agree for small distances. Is it my fault that the station is near to my home? Malini was murmuring in anger. She tried her luck with 4-5 other autos hoping to hear a single word ‘YES’….but….

Sky was not clear due to clouds. Moon was walking slowing continuing the hide-n-seek game as if Malini will ask for help. A rainn drop touched her cheek and followed by the 2^nd and 3^rd. Rain started, If she were at home, then she could have enjoyed the rain, could have danced like mad in the rain, Rain dance always reminds her about the good old childhood, the paper boat,……..She came to station from the childhood by a big horn.

“Mam don’t dream in rain, give me side, the auto drive threw a comment while going.

How to go? Bablu, the young lad in malini’s family, also not there in home. He could come to pick. Bad luck he is at uncle’s home for marriage function.

Oh God…how I will go? The rain is going hand and hand, Ah…The first smell of the soil. Its like someone put an incense stick. She got some faith. At least mother earth is there. She has not changed in giving the same fragrance.

She stepped the 1^st step knowing that there will be no auto to take. After Ravenshaw college turning, she took the shortcut to reach early. Road side trees are welcoming her for her home coming. With each step she was entering the memory land, the good old college days. Asmit, Sukanti, Nalini and…..Prakash……she breath a heavy breathe. Why it happened? Why and how can he marry some other girl after 5 years of relationship,……..Let it. May God give him all happiness……………..What is this? No street light. She stepped back for a moment. The pitch black night and the snake dark road. Shall I….go?....else what? Thinking to go back she stepped forward. May be that her mind said. She remembered her mom’s saying. “Remember Hanumanji” when in fear. She did same thing though she laughed when her mom told that first. To her utter surprise, she is strong now.

Dum……, she shocked. A mango dropped from tree. She breathed heavily and started walking bit fast.

Naked road, No one is there. Oh God, Please send someone. Please. How I will cross the next ahead. It is full of people with whom no one would like to mingle with. I should have thought that before choosing the route……

She heard of an auto sound. Yes, an auto is coming form back. She flew her hand like a traffic police asking to stop.

Oh…It stopped, Without asking anything she got into the auto asking to take her to Buxki Bazar.

“Mam, it’s reserved. Sir will go to Buxi Bazar too, if he agrees then I will take”, the driver replied. Malini realized that she is not alone. It is reserved one she thought of getting down…..but knowing the danger, she looked the man sitting in auto with a hope.

He did not reply anything. But slightly moved giving her place to sit, without asking or giving thanks she sat. God is great.

She was poured with thanks. She saw him letting him unknown. Mature face, Small beards,…….Moustache. face is not bad…..can be told good, straight body…..can protect her from danger, But over the top he looks very helpful and sober. Nice guy….like Prakash. No….No…. She should not think like this…….

Don’t know why but she felt secure. She sat in relaxed position. The road is not straight. When the auto turned left, she moved towards the man and her hand touched him. “sorry”, unknowingly the word came from her mouth. She felt shy.

There is no reaction from his side. “Very sober, Malini thought. He moved to his side though there is no space. She felt ashamed, in the same time she felt happy that the person is very sober and at least she can reach home safely.

She thought of talking something to him. But could not get how to start…..thought of telling him “I am grateful”….But could not utter.

“….Mam, Buxi Bazar, where I will drop? The auto driver asked.

“Next lane”, she replied with bit hesitation. May be she was thinking that the journey should not stop, but…. always there is a but…..

“Surylekha lane, and an arrow mark”…indicated that she have to get down now, “I will get down here”, Malini uttered.

He paid the driver, though Malini was thinking to pay, but could not stop him. How she could stop? She does not know his name……

No…No…I have to call him for a cup of tea else it will be indecent. At least I can do this for a person, who came as a God’s Messenger.

“Please come for a cup of tea”, How Malini uttered this line she does not know.

The man stopped for a moment. Turned back and after a pause, “I am Razak Khan, of 3^rd lane, hope you know”.

Malini pushed herself few steps back. Shocked Razak Khan, the Gunda….the man who collects weekly money from shopkeepers, the man who beats like crazy the man who is never ever welcomed to anyone’s home…..is he the same?

The street lamp blew at a go…Oh yes, She can now see his face clearly. Yes he is Razak the so called don of the society.

She looked here and there. Is there anyone who noticed that she came with Razak, else she will be blamed……Thank God, and no one is there…..the auto driver?

No, No,…….. he does not know else he could not take the fair.

God saved me……She thanked God.

The illusion of gratefulness vanished by a cloud of hate on Malini’s face. Razak understood and without uttering a word he left leaving a blank.

Malini was busy in scolding herself….how come she sat in the same auto,,, how come…..how come……

She is clear now that, all that is told about Razak may not be true fully, but still she is not comfortable.

She opened her home gate. It is like opening the thought that anyone can be trusted at the dark but in white light…..among the so called civilized people……..We can’t talk what is right. We can talk what is right in a crowd, in a dark path, but in the day light in the society……..we step back to accept the truth……..She was in a whirlpool of thought regarding what is good…..what is right……

She was pulled back from the thoughts when her mom told. “How you came? You know how much I was worried?” Malini knew the answer….She can tell that I came with Razak…….But she simply smiled and entered the room.

Spiderman

2011-02-21T23:54:00.000+05:30

Human beings are like determined spiders. He weaves relationship net of various shapes, sizes – gets trapped by itself – cries out for help – hopes to get out of the trap by weaving a way – gets trapped by crux called love.

It wont be wrong to say, human being is the fisherman and when it fishes out something from the ocean of life…gets surprised by seeing its own face.

Strange…very strange is the nature of this creature !!!

You would know what I think

2011-02-19T12:21:00.000+05:30

If you could see past the pink blouse,

You would know what I think.

If you could hear the fiery, lub dub of my heart,

You would know what I think.

Remove your veil of obstinacy,

And look beyond the window.

If you could see through the lips,

You would know what I think.

If you had faith in your love as I do,

You could walk with me a while…

If you could see the colours I do, hugs I wait for, kisses I lip at,

You could paint the night with me a while…

If you want to touch the sky as I do, live the death as I do,

Then your desires would come alive.

Then, in my next life,

We could fly together for a while.

Is this the end !!!

2011-02-07T11:51:00.003+05:30

I think this is the end.

The long-drawn tale of life brimming with tears and laughter lies fluttering like a blank scroll on the breast of inexorable time. As if the pilgrim on the road to death leaves behind everything! An insider look…what really brought while coming??? A fleshy doll like body with unstoppable cry…and leave a crumbling body to decay and stink.

Yes, this is the end…but from where I began?

The skies have no beginning and no end. The sun neither rises nor sets. The heart’s desire is neither fulfilled nor left empty. Our relationship too has no name to write and no beginning for tie the end. Even after relating everything of life the last word is invariably let unsaid. After receiving everything, the completeness is left. After all has ended, the auspicious beginning remains. Inauguration is itself dissolution.

Yes…yes…this is the end…but what I have started???

Life…its eternal. I did not!

My life..its from my parents!

Love…its you who made me realize!

Lust, greed and anger…I am not sure, you better tell me!

Then what…is the answer ‘nothing’? I don’t wanna hear!!!

Today, let me write the beginning of the end. Some day you will come this across and I ll find the point where the beginning ends.

Love you.

You can do anything

2011-01-15T21:48:00.002+05:30

B: I have to ask you something.

G: Yes?

B: Why are you wearing a Bindi?

G: It’s my third eye, the eye with which you see the most important things. Sometimes two eyes are not enough and they need help. For a girl, her beloved or husband is the most important thing, that’s why, a dark red bindi generally symbolises a married woman.

B: But you are not married?

G: You have already been my third eye.

B: How?

G: I am from a small village and my whole life is mapped out of my mother. Whatever I have done, I did after fight, from going to school, 10km far away college and a job at the call centre in the night. Every time I ask my parents to do something, I got a reply, ‘what people will say?’ But what you said…it was the first time I have heard something like that.

B: What did I say?

G: “You can do anything”. I always wanted to believe that, but until you, I did not think it was true.

B: I hope your beloved sees it… (after a pause)…I am going to miss you.

G: (while making shapes with her right toe on the sand) You will meet someone.

B: If I do meet someone, she won’t smell like cardamom.

G: Rub some on her and pretend she is me.

B: But she wouldn’t have your eyes either. I wish I could meet someone exactly like you. Almost exactly.

G: Almost?

B: Someone as beautiful as you, as smart as you, as funny…

G: But?

B: But….She must not be fearful in facing her parents and telling that she loves me.

G: You know…”I can do anything”

Inspired by the dialogues of the movie “Outsourced”

That was not the end

2010-08-05T23:49:00.004+05:30

I asked her, "When you are coming?" "Whenever you will call", she replied without a pause. I got a mountain of hope, collected all my scattered courage and asked, " If I ask you to come now?"

"I will come, but not with you, we both have different path to follow."

"We started from the same point, destined for the same finish, but leading different path. Do you believe in the difference between us by virtue of difference in lead? I am untouchable; do you hate me for that?" I tried but could not speak more. When result is meant to be a failure with the best attempt, words starts loosing interest in making a meaning.

She got hurt, so as I. She looked at me with eyes full of tears. Moved her hands on cheek to wipe it out and said, "I have accepted you as a friend, as centre of all my actions. Before you whoever made impact in my life are all like God and worth praying at. You have taken all my love, happiness, smiles, tears, fears and completeness, how come hate will have a place in between?"

"Then why don’t you come with me? We will roam and spread the message of life."

"I have to wait."

"For whom?"

"You know that better."

"How much?"

She did not reply. Looked at the surfy tides. How can one count the tides? How can one be definite about wait? I was gathering all my courage to tell her how much I love her...but could not, as always. She had started making various shapes wit her toe on the sea beach. I tried to read that language and surprised to see my thought getting shape on sands.

***

That moment came. Train was at platform no 3. She was standing beside me looking at the train. I was praying in my heart, "Goodbye dear, be happy always. I wished to stay with you till the end as a friend. You might have thought the same. But......there is always a 'but' that still is successful in maintaining the distance between us. Hope we will meet again."

She might be thinking the same. Where thought connects two people, what is the need of making a sound.

An unknown pain was whirling in both the hearts. "Is this the last?" I was constantly pierced with the thought, and she might be too.

How I will tell that the days with her are the best of lifetime. But have to say something, silence is unbearable. The heartless last bell was already rung. It was not as usual. I spoke somehow, "I know this moment is painful, but this is not the last, I will come."

"Thanks for the assurance. Wish you a very happy journey of life." Drops of tears just were searching for a hint to roll on from her eyes.

For few moments we stood still facing each other. Where heart is not getting right way to console, what mere language will do. I hold her hand. It was trembling and the vibration transmitted to my heart. A long waiting tear made its way on her cheek. She took her hand and turned herself to the other side. I entered the compartment.

She turned back as the train started to move. She came near. I gathered my courage for the last time and told, "I love you, and you covered my body, mind and soul. There is no end to it."

She held my hand...the train did not stop and she started walking with the train. I was thinking to get down but did not. I released my hand and she stayed there crying, waving her hand and wishing to see me soon.

***

God too learns

2010-07-30T10:02:00.002+05:30

The moment came without caring all my prayers to make it a bit late. Mom never comes to say good bye to anyone. She decided to stay at home. I went to my mom's room. Touched her feet. She cared my hair with all the love and wiped her tears. "Why are you crying mom, I will come every alternate month" I told the line knowing its next to impossible for me to make a ferry every alternate month from such a long distance. I consoled her or myself I don't know. My mom was never a philosopher, nor an oracle, but she had seen what I was going to do. She saw in my eyes and told, "Son, Lord Krishna could not help Dwaraka being destroyed by the tides of Arabian sea, because he did not keep his promise of going back to his birthplace Mathura and Brindaban. Both the places are there till today but see the fate of Dwaraka, handmade city of Krishana." After a pause she started, " It's not always true that all the creatures learn, God too. That's why Lord Jagannath returns to his birthplace Gundicha temple, and on the way meets his old aunty, every year. Nature won't allow the God too to break its law".

I saw my mom, I rediscovered myself and felt proud as her son. She took a flower from our prayer room and kept it my shirt pocket. I hugged her as usual but don't know how I felt more confident. She planted a kiss on my forehead and told looking at the sky, "Make his journey safe, fulfill all his dreams". I came out.

He taught me what Life is about

2010-07-18T22:35:00.006+05:30

I always wanted to be the master of my own fate, my own life. But life always surprises me with challenges to take on. I started believing that taking all the challenges head on is being the master of life. I raced against all odds to win the challenge, the race of life.

I ran well. When I run, no one overtakes at my right, and I never allow anyone to cross at left. After running many races of life, when I looked back I found me all alone running in a desert. No sun to ask for east in the day, no morning star to follow at night. Just alone...running without end.

When I got to know that I am trapped by the illusion of life, I was already in the middle. When I started to know I was not successful, I had already topped in being failed at. But the beauty of failure is, it wont create an ego of being the most successful failure...it is still polite, still allows you to go on a date with success. So who would be better than failure itself to teach you what life is ? I asked my age old failure, whom I ignore for a life time. He is still polite and genuine to tell me what life is.

He smiled, asked my tears to rolled back. Kept his familiar hand on my shoulder and told me to feel free to be free. Asked me to smile at my fake old smile. Pat on my back to speak the truth. Gave me a rose to love the love of life. Strengthen my shoulder to cry on and on. Armed my weapons to fight with myself. I felt a bit relaxed. Then he smiled a genial smile which too copied at my lips, and showed me a magical answer to the question which I had started asking before knowing what to ask.

he cleared his throat but don't know why I felt it east to breathe in. He started, "Life is all about understanding how you think about it. And being the master is to understand how people do think. If you know how people think, then you can control what they think. If you know what they think, you can control their thought process. If you can control how people have to think, you can control how they see it. And that matters !!!"

So, do you wanna be the master ??? I nodded my head with a shy smile at extra to thanks failure for telling me what life is.

Will you marry me ?

2010-07-04T22:28:00.002+05:30

Will you marry me ?

I know you don't love me. But I believe some day you will. I don't have to say the least, I will wait for the day to come. But for now will you give my love to have your faith ? I believe, my share of love is enough for two of us to live on. I know this sounds weird but I don't know how better I can confess. I will love you in sun and moon, in summer and winter. Will you marry me ?

I will prepare the bed to see you flow like a river, I will be the tiny light when start your endeavor in dark, I will arrange your lips to the best when you wish to smile, I will make it sure turns to be a pearl if you drop a tear by mistake. Will you marry me ?

I remember the day when you replied loving the God and the guest are the same thing and you love me like that. But from that day I wanted to say, "I am not God or anyone so good, I am a very ordinary person. Can't you love me as an ordinary person?" But till date I could not ask my courage to speak my heart out. I know you can read the heart. Please read my heart which says, will you marry me?

Winner

2010-07-01T00:42:00.001+05:30

I talk with her about religion, god, faith and anything under the sun. Sometimes I win in telling something new. But I don't know how she becomes happier in losing and steals my joy of winning.

Have you ever talked with a woman from India ? All are like this. Stealing the joy of winning while losing is their specialty, in other words their only hope of being happy. Getting a false consolation of having everything in empty hand has given them the courage and strength to hold all the pain with a shy smile.

I have no idea how a woman manage to be played and let herself lose from their near ones. I have no idea how they smile with joy by looking others winning. I have no idea why they play to lose to see you wing. I have no idea why they are like they are. But I know when anyone in this world wins, a woman smiles and thanks the almighty with her heart out.

Dear dream, this is all for today

2010-06-30T23:25:00.001+05:30

A deity of eternity, neither past, nor present or future, she is time. She steps towards west but still bears the age old tradition in heart. She is a flowing spring, a blue fountain, flows from eternity to infinity.

She left, but I see her in me. Time and distance lost their meaning at her. From her I learn how beautiful a heart can be, how complete an incomplete dream can be. I learnt the power of innocent helplessness, felt the toughness of tender heart.

When I was collecting my messy life thoughts, I met her like an self answered question mark. I got answer to all the questions of life. Then onwards, till now, I am only answering the life with an open heart.

Who gave me all the power ? She ? Her selfless dreams or her God ? I think all are interrelated. So when I think about her, I look at God and when I pray, she comes automatically.

Dear dream, this is all for today.

Devil vs. Kid: Introduction

2010-05-30T13:03:00.002+05:30

Have you ever seen a Kid smiling and running behind a butterfly? You must be. But is it possible to feel the same enthusiasm of a Kid in this Devilish world? For a very few, it’s YES, For a Few it’s DIFFICULT, for many the answer is NO and for Devils like me, it’s IMPOSSIBLE.

But God is always with a shower of wonders to make you believe on destiny. So as a Devil like me met with a ‘Kid’ who is nothing but a sweet chatterbox, a bundle of joy, a box full of questions, a heart overflowing with enthusiasm and a face glowing with joy of happiness, an act of mischief to disturb my nonsense thought, an unwanted intruder when I want to hide my tears, a child who never says its enough, who never let me believe that I am a ‘Devil’ but an answering machine named “Happy”. It’s for hers, a ‘Devil’ like me came across a “Happy” within.

I always feel that ‘language’ is the word which tells..... “I am here, you stupid heart bearing creatures, without me what is the use of your creativity and intelligence, its for the sake of me (language) only you are able to project yourself as you are”. It made me believe that there is nothing like “feeling” without the “language” to make it feel. But it’s the Kid who made me to answer the stupid language of heart.

Let’s leave the ‘language’ to be an ornament of the dictionary, but not the jewel of heart, let’s close our eyes to lock the ‘language’ of eyes to spread, let’s shut out mouth to arrest the sound to murmur, let’s leave the heart to be on its own. Let’s be free. Then only it is possible for a Devil to answer the innocent questions of a Kid.

The Kid always asks the Devil a hell lots of questions to answer (no option for ‘I can’t answer’….the Kid wont leave) on variety of topics. Everyday is a new day for the ‘Kid’ and a challenge for the ‘Devil’ to be as devilish as it can be. The different sections in the conversation denote the different sets of questions asked by the ‘Kid’ in different days. Following are few conversations, in my view, worth mentioning.

Posts in same series (Click on name to follow):
Devil vs. Kid: Life
Devil vs. Kid: Change
Devil vs. Kid: Fear
Devil vs. Kid: Hell and Heaven
Devil vs. Kid: Stars
Devil vs. Kid: Self Identification

About the Kid: The 'Kid' who made me write all this mess, was my ex-collegue, but she was surprisingly with a heart and mind of a kid in a grown up physique. I know that kid; did I say the best kid? She often comes to my desk when I am away and searches for her diary milk in my drawer and waits for none to run. She has a frontal lobe with multi barrel question-gun to shoot at anything possible under the sunlight, moon light too. The one thing she does not question is when I hand her over a piece of my writing. She keeps her gun for a rest and giggles like a lily swinging on water and asks, ‘when I ll be a writer?’

Have a happy reading and please do post comments.

Devil vs. Kid: Change

2010-05-30T12:59:00.005+05:30

Devil vs. Kid: Change, is a part of the series, Devil vs. Kid which discusses about various topics such as, Self Identification, Life, Fear, Hell and Heaven, Change and Stars etc. Please read the introduction first, before moving further.

CHANGE

Kid: I want to control the change.....is it possible to change along with the change?

Devil: It’s inevitable.....whether you want or not you will change.....because when the vehicle of "CHANGE" is on the way it will automatically take the "PASSERBY" into its lap....there is no escape.....It is the mind which remains stationary in the past place and takes some time to think.....I have moved....that’s why sometimes confusion comes that some people are not able to cope with change....But the reality is their physical being and mental status is not at the same pace with the change.

Kid: Who run the change of vehicle?

Devil: Time is at the driver’s seat individuals are the passengers...You want or not you have to move on.

Kid: What about the person who never believes in time......

Devil: Its not that you believe or not....time does not depend on individual belief....if you don’t believe that heart pumps the blood....nothing will happen....it will not let you die for this, it will still pump. It’s on you, how soon u believe, U will be Happy.

Kid: Change is for those people who want to see the bright color in my life, sometimes its quite easy for me to identify the hidden bright color but its quite difficult when somebody’s want me to show that color.......situation demand changes....changes seems to be sad and gloomy

Devil: I want U to be the one who drives the change....not the situation.

Kid: Already a driver, will never accept the unwanted things easily, the role which u are playing in my life is unknown, no name, but it makes me quite organized, I like the changes which you brought in my life changes in terms of organizing my thought ideas and dreams… ooops

"A cunning change stand in front of me, expect me to react......But when I act....I did not react...I just make the change to smile"

Devil: wow!!! Smiling at the change means "U accept the change to happen without changing UR values and rules"....changes feels shame and tell ....I am just a driver....U drive as U like.

Kid: I like my curious mind to drive a new bright idea while handling a change.......but here the case is not for one Benjamin*.....in every mode I found a new Benjamin...Here Benjamin does not represent a motion picture character...its a curious case of challenges in my life

Devil: Then You should be proud of that God is giving you challenge every moment to test you in fire.....Like Gold glitters more in fire, you will shine...God gives load to the person with strong backbone.....Challenges are the expression of LOVE from God to the people he loves the most and thinks capable of...

*Benjamin refers to the character of the movie ‘The curious case of Benjamin Button”

Kid: What is the difference between challenges and opportunities ? Is there any relation between two? If Yes then why?

Devil: Opportunities always come with the price of a determination to accept the challenge.... You will have an opportunity if and only if you accept the challenge.

Kid: What is the need of accepting or rejecting? If we will do those then again we are doing business, isn’t it?

Devil: Sometimes we accept our own mistake....own well-being and ill-being....own values.....like this we have to accept without thinking that its coming from outside.....do you ever think that your mistakes are done by someone else....if no...Then you are accepting your own mistake....like that you have to accept others thinking that it’s not coming from outside...accept others like you accept yours.

Kid: Give an Example?

Devil: Love means accepting without any prerequisite...like U accept your own self……love is something where there is no need to understand the language of mind.........Necessary sometimes.....not necessary most of the times...see....in Love U have to accept the NO.

Other Posts in same series (Click on the name to Follow):

Devil vs. Kid: Stars
Devil vs. Kid: Fear
Devil vs. Kid: Hell and Heaven
Devil vs. Kid: Life
Devil vs. Kid: Self Identification

Devil vs. Kid: Introduction

Have a happy reading and please do post comments.

Devil vs. Kid: Stars

2010-05-30T12:51:00.002+05:30

Devil vs. Kid: Stars, is a part of the series, Devil vs. Kid which discusses about various topics such as, Self Identification, Life, Fear, Hell and Heaven, Change and Stars etc. Please read the introduction first, before moving further.

STARS

Kid: when your Kid was born...same time a star was also born in the beautiful night sky......gazing into that bright twinkling star.......your Kids becomes intuitive

Devil: it’s the sign made by God to show to the world..... Hey fellow people, see this star....it’s a mirror image of my latest creation for you.

Kid: Do u know how a star is born?

Devil: when God makes his latest creation with love....he makes a start to let others know.....a miracle is on the soil to amuse my presence

Kid: This time it does not satisfy, still searching why a star is born, there is a conflict between your thought and mine.

Devil: God does not ask for approval....vehicle of time rides on the road of change....it does not ask you to get in....it makes you in....it does not ask your satisfaction.....it commands the very beginning of the creation like that a star is born for a Devil.... for me when god makes his latest creation on earth.....to let others know....makes a star…

Kid: Oops I can only feel whenever a star is born.......sorry

Devil: For people like you star is not meant for...for people who cant feel the presence of God....how they will feel the creation of latest creation of God....for them to remind...Stars are born

Kid: You know for people like me there is a different world, full of imagination?

Devil: For you stars are a feeling of rejoice that God has not stopped...God is not fed up by the evils of man....God still hopes that there will be change......Its a feeling....that God tried once again with his latest creation....so its a feeling for you....but for others to know its a star.

Stars do talk.....stars do feel.....stars do try for God to believe in his creation.....it’s a world full of hope....full of twinkling smiles

Kid: A beautiful feeling arises in the form of star in my heart.....a feeling to imagine how a star is born?

Devil: God always wants everywhere to be lighted.....he made Sun.....but darkness came unwontedly to remind God.....evil still exists......God did not give up....He created moon to light the earth......but it fluctuate with time...came and went......God has no way to believe that there still hope exists.....then the stars came .....when the darkness increases.......God starts loosing hope....But the stars smile and tell the God.....we may be tiny ....we may not be useful as Sun and Moon.....but believe us...We wont let you down.....when all will deny give there light...we will burn our self to light the hope......God said TATHASTU....and in the remembrance of this hope he stared developing ...modifying the creature....and whenever he makes a best creation....he makes a star to tell himself...its a faith that Earth will change.....

Kid: there is an empty envelope for you for answering my question....how star is born....searching a reason to do something different, searching a bright color to put into the white shades of my life

Devil: when life is at white you should be proud of........It reflects all shades of emotions equally without bias, without any love for some ...... trying to reflect something special color will make you bias towards a particular emotion.....Only saints and true mature ones are white......if you are thinking so....then why to change ???

Other Posts in same series (Click to Follow):

Devil vs. Kid: Change
Devil vs. Kid: Fear
Devil vs. Kid: Hell and Heaven
Devil vs. Kid: Life
Devil vs. Kid: Self Identification

Devil vs. Kid: Introduction

Have a happy reading and please do post comments.

Devil vs. Kid: Hell and Heaven

2010-05-30T12:26:00.001+05:30

Devil vs. Kid: Hell and Heaven, is a part of the series, Devil vs. Kid which discusses about various topics such as, Self Identification, Life, Fear, Hell and Heaven, Change and Stars etc. Please read the introduction first, before moving further.

HELL AND HEAVEN

Kid: Let me hold my angel hands

Devil: God gets strength from their people’s belief......angel gets the wings when Kids hold her hands...

Kid: Let me hold the person who is sending these beautiful words…. am I?

Devil: It’s the privilege that with mere words....a sweet Kid holds a Devil.

Kid: who knows Devil is the other form of angel

Devil: How do I know......it’s the people who believe on angels?

Kid: Earlier I used to believe on angels only, now looking forward to keep a faith upon Devil also, what to say?

Devil: "A belief on angels is gr8, let me be in hell...let me believe a Devil...let me see.... let me believe on my belief ....let me show that a Devil is an angel in its own way"

Kid: What is the difference between hell and heaven, right now are u in hell or heaven? Is u an angel or a Devil ?

Devil: Both are opposite side of a coin.....if your belief matches with someone else and u both want to stay together ....then its heaven.....if both are staying together and praying to escape....its hell.

Kid: let me forget that a Devil is an angel in its own way....let me believe that a Devil is already an angel in my own way....let me stand in a position where I can hold Devil in one hand and angel in other....let me feel the two opposite side of a coin.

Devil: its difficult to feel both at a time......if you hold angel in one hand then whatever u r going to hold with the other will be and angel too...and vice versa.....But for an innocence Kid like u ......its possible.....its most likely that the Devil will voluntarily cover its face and prays the almighty to remove the Devilish if not be an angel…are u thinking whether Kids are innocent or not?

Kid: people think that Kids are innocent but real fact is that Kids are the most matured flower in the world, as soft as the petals of flower which can always hold the thorns which is quite matured.

Devil: Sun does not require an approval to be Sun, God does not ask the people to pray to him to bless them.......its immaterial whether someone approves that Kids are innocent.

Innocence come from maturity......when someone is very intelligent and knows the reason why he or she is on the earth.....then she or he becomes innocent.....but Childs are born innocent....they don’t require all the intelligence to know the reasons.......that’s why they are called as the little forms of living Gods.

My Kid is the most intuitive one I have ever met.......one can be so generous and sweet if he or she knows all the reasons for the happenings or all the answers for the unasked questions......but my Kid is born like that.....which in otherwise stands as an example that without all the intelligence, reasoning, answers how someone can be innocent.

Other Posts in same series:
Devil vs. Kid: Life
Devil vs. Kid: Change
Devil vs. Kid: Fear
Devil vs. Kid: Self Identification
Devil vs. Kid: Stars

Devil vs. Kid: Introduction
Have a happy reading and please do post comments.

Devil vs. Kid: Self Identification

2010-05-30T12:19:00.003+05:30

Devil vs. Kid: Life, is a part of the series, Devil vs. Kid which discusses about various topics such as, Self Identification, Life, Fear, Hell and Heaven, Change and Stars etc. Please read the introduction first, before moving further.

SELF IDENTIFICATION

Kid: Who are you?

Devil: A Devil.

Kid: No no….don’t cheat. You are a bundle of answers named Happy.

Devil: Ok, I am a Happy

Kid: Then now tell, what makes you Happy?

Devil: It’s like a Paper make a pen to be a pen for which it is meant for....and in the same way...Only sweet Kids make some Devil as Happy.

Kid: Don’t you have your own identification? How can you allow someone to make you Happy?

Devil: Identity is required when someone wants to know you.....For own self; I don’t think there is a need.

Kid: Self-identification is not a need or a want....It’s a desire to know yourself what you are.

Devil: A person (let’s take a male) lives on as a son, a brother, a lover, a husband, a fathers, a student, a teacher, as an employee or as an employer...... Tell me someone who lives as himself without these identities.......God is also bonded....as savior, as listener of Devotees, as creator, as destroyer, as God.......its all relative identities....what is absolute identity....what is the self identity.......there may be...May be U know....May be I am not brave till now to know about the fact “who I am in absolute sense”.

Kid: Self-identity is the mirror image of your principles or you can say your alter-ego of your value system.........Don’t you have any principles in your life? Don’t you have your own value system?....Its quite easy to erase the reality behind every practicality.....You can share your self-identity as a cowardice....Who you are in absolute sense does not want you to answer as a brave one......There is no expectation from the answer given by a cowardice but sometimes there answer germinate a new question which is quite meaningful…

Devil: value system always derived when someone is around you to see....when you have fear to do or not to do......when all these are around you...then everything is relative....identity too... so as my identity....a relative one

Kid: look just now a brave mind came and confuse me!!!!

Devil: confusion is relative.....it’s a contradiction to something you believe on.... it’s not absolute.

Kid: what is the difference between relative and absolute?

Devil: ‘You’ with ‘world’ are relative....Only ‘you’ is absolute.

Other Posts in same series:

Devil vs. Kid: Life

Devil vs. Kid: Change

Devil vs. Kid: Fear

Devil vs. Kid: Hell and Heaven

Devil vs. Kid: Stars

Devil vs. Kid: Introduction

Have a happy reading and please do post comments.

Devil vs. Kid: Fear

2010-05-30T12:16:00.002+05:30

Devil vs. Kid: Fear, is a part of the series, Devil vs. Kid which discusses about various topics such as, Self Identification, Life, Fear, Hell and Heaven, Change and Stars etc. Please read the introduction first, before moving further.

FEAR:

Kid: Don’t u afraid of Kid?

Devil: this is a contrasting sentence.....’Afraid’ and ‘Kid’ don’t go along.

Kid: Why I am afraid? Fear creates a huge space in my subconscious mind........ My mind is not free

Devil: fear is the outcome of unpreparedness. Just rethink. You are not prepared for something. That’s why you are feeling the fear. Remember destiny favors the prepared.

Kid: I am tired of being preparedness.....waiting for the destiny to play a role....want to behave like a fool....tired of being a smart Kid always.

Devil: its other side of smartness to be being fool......only prepared spirit with a smart mind can accept all happenings as a fool...... foolishness is not the state of being in ignorance.....its the way of allowing the heart to rule the mind without reasoning.....its only possible if u r prepared.

Kid: smart answer for inspiring a Kid who wants to be fool.

Devil: smart answers are always possible who is always prepared to be questioned ....who is always prepared to be extracted....always prepared to accept all....like a fool... a fool can answer smart.

Kid: everything seems to be dull, except the question which is there in my mind, interesting question caged my whole night, waiting for an angel to come and answer my question

Devil: this is a good sign.... when all seems dull it means....your mind is faster than the current happenings.

Kid: Oops this time my angel lost her wings.

Devil: angles fly as the beloved looks at......God helps...the way the people ask for......like if angels lost her wings....its up to U how u r making her to fly.

Kid: I asked her to smile, to fly.....But she is busy in making others smile

Devil: wow! This is a gr8 time to understand and estimate your faith on your angel.

Kid: There is no estimation between me and my angel

Devil: if u believe that your angel really care for u ....then u should pray that angel should succeed in her duty to make others smile......you have to realize that if my angel is trying to make others smile means....other need more than you need you angel....others are in more pathetic than you..

Kid: I know that even I used to do that but......I am habituated.....everyday I used to play with my angel.....suddenly she went......the feeling of jealous hold me tightly..... Unable to conquer the feeling of jealous

Devil: Jealousy sometimes good..... Let’s think other wise.

Kid: I never believe in otherwise, anyways sometimes I am Happy also experiencing all shades of emotions in my life

Devil: if you think that your angel is caring more about others then you must understand that’s others need more.....here comes jealousy.....all evil words and acts always have hidden beauty.....general aspect is being jealous on others that angel is spending more time with them and being disturbed....but the beautiful state of mind is to try to solve others problems that they wont need your angel.....its the positive root to make good to others ...... here jealousy can play the "otherwise"....which u don’t like as said earlier.....but its worth an insight

Kid: You heard a sound.....sound of bell.....right now my angel got her wings back........she is on the way to meet me.

Devil: That’s the spirit......when you believe that your angel has wings that means you are sure you’re your problems have solutions, when you believe that there is a solution......then it’s impossible that u can’t get the solution

Other Posts in same series:
Devil vs. Kid: Change
Devil vs. Kid: Life
Devil vs. Kid: Hell and Heaven
Devil vs. Kid: Stars
Devil vs. Kid: Self Identification

Devil vs. Kid: Introduction
Have a happy reading and please do post comments.

Devil vs. Kid: Life

2010-05-30T12:02:00.004+05:30

LIFE:

Kid: Sometimes in life some person play a major role in our life, sometimes in life same person don’t have time to play a minor role in our life. Why it is so?

Devil: life itself is a play. its not that someone is playing a major or minor role....its the fact to understand that your life deserves someone more at sometimes and someone less at other times.....its life, and it will be the way... so don’t think some one is playing a role in our life instead think our life has little or more role for someone to play.

Kid: I like it.

Devil: You like it because.....You knew the fact and it’s my sentence which made u remember that you knew this.

Kid: Is life is very beautiful?

Devil: Everyday is special. This moment will never come again into life, that’s the beauty of life....every moment is new and teaches how to live on that, I made up the decision, it fits so well in describing an extremely interesting phenomenon that many people may not realize…each of us is really two people, I mean we are literally two thinking beings residing in the same body.

Kid: why we are getting contradicting thoughts? Let me organize my contradicting thoughts in my life?

Devil: That’s the toughest job of a life time to organize the contrasting thoughts ...... the basic problem is in the thought...Organizing is making all in one format or other, and contrasting is to deviate from the order....How to hold the two contradicting thoughts in our life.

Kid: Let me hold one character in my mind and play a live practical role, another character will be hold by my pen where the words play an imaginative role, I will write one of my contrasting characters in my diary. what is the main hindrance while holding value system?

Devil: value system will always dominate our thinking....Its always one...It will support one personality type....when U will contrast then U have to defy your value system....its difficult but anyone can do that.

Kid: what is the difference between value system and thinking?

Devil: There is no comparison….. Value system is a scale with which U will judge your thinking whether its good to act upon or not

Kid: what is the comparison between compromise and adjustment?

Devil: Compromise is more permanent than adjustment......In compromise you have to leverage on your values by sacrificing some but in adjustment you have to make a temporary state where you don’t have to sacrifice your values....you just have to make a temporary pause on your value system to interfere....your value system is still intact and after the situation passes your value system will play its tune....but in case of compromise....once you are into it....your value system has changed to another level.....there are certain things which you cant make....if you make it then the divine will go away.....the meaning will change.

Other Posts in same series:

Devil vs. Kid: Change
Devil vs. Kid: Fear
Devil vs. Kid: Hell and Heaven
Devil vs. Kid: Stars
Devil vs. Kid: Self Identification

Devil vs. Kid: Introduction
Have a happy reading and please do post comments.

Happy Birthday Kid

2010-04-17T21:25:00.005+05:30

Prologue: I know a kid; did I say the best kid? She has a frontal lobe with multi barrel question-gun to shoot at anything possible under the sunlight, moon light too. The one thing she does not question is when I hand her over a piece of my writing. She keeps her gun for a rest and giggles like a lily swinging on water and asks, ‘when I ll be a writer?’ When I draw her near to plant a kiss on her forehead, she searches for her diary milk in my pocket and waits for none to run.
I forgot her birthday last month and typed this crap to get escape from the gun. Here it goes…

I literally don’t know what to wish for the best kid on earth. This is happening for the fist time when I am confused and feeling like everything is falling short while making a wish. When I thought of calling her just after the clock announced 12.00 am, I was set aback with a strange thought, what am I doing, do I need to call my own kid who is now a part of myself? I rest the phone but another thought knocked the door saying you might be waiting for my wish.

I closed my eyes and my hands came to take a nap on my chest while wishing for all the happiness, success, love and joy I could ever wish for the one I love the most. I felt like hugging her and adoring...holding the sweet face and kissing forehead with all the joy...sewing my fingers with her hair and looking at the one I was destined to look for.

I could not ask for more but a hug, I could not ask for less but a smile, I could not ask for gold but purity, I could not ask for diamond but a clean heart, I could ask for anything but to be with her. I heard some one whispering beneath my chest ribs...”I am here ‘happy’ (oh! Did I mention that she calls me happy!), just tell me when I will be a writer”. I was brought back and smiled wishing this wish to come true. I heard a giggling sound from within which says, "I won’t leave you 'happy' and when I will be a big biiiiggg writer, I will search for my diary milk in your pocket and will disturb you in between too." I thought for a moment about a life without getting disturbed from the people you care for? I simply smile and searched my pocket for diary milk. No, I did not get one, hope you have already taken.

I came out of the room and just looked at the sky....filled with countless stars. I wanted to pluck a star for a star. I moved my hand for the brightest one, then the nearby told, “what’s my fault happy why don’t you pluck me?” The others joined with and echoed like a chorus, "why not me....why not me?" I was about to think something when the silly curved 10^th day moon asked, "You compared the kids smile with me, then why are you not gifting me?" I was gathering all the thoughts while my heart asked the sky, "Can I lend all the sky with cute little stars and the curved moon for my kid?" The sky smiled with joy and asked the cold breeze to convey the consent. I wrap the sky in my glove and kept in the chest pocket as my kid’s gift.

I returned to room at about 12.30 am and lay on the bed to gather all what I wished for. I closed my eyes to see all I got for my kid. I saw a lots of fans following a writer named 'a stubborn kid', saw a kid swimming in a pool of liquid chocolate, saw an angel doing make up to a kid with all the stars from a basket and kept the moon like a crown. I saw a wishful happy hugging and kissing a sweet kid...and then the alarm buzzed in my cell phone. Oh no, its morning 6.00am now and I have not talked with my kid. I picked up the phone and dialed her number saved as sweet-kid, but could not connect. I was so dumb that I could not got the point why God is not allowing me....I sent an SMS saying Happy Birthday. Can you imagine someone wishing his dearest one with a life less SMS!!! But I blundered.

I then sat for a while and remembered what and all I wished for my kid in the night. I recalled all the moments spent with the kid.....eeerrrr my kid. I don’t know how but my chest expanded....may be the heart inside is happy. An SMS delivery report on the mobile screen flashed making me die in deep shame as what a silly thing I sent. I certainly wish that my kid will blast me for this and for not wishing her in the mid night.

I started writing this crap after washing my face. It’s the joy for my QWERTY phone key to convey the love to the kid. I was in no mood to think what I am writing as all has been typed in heart before the mobile screen could flash it on.

Another SMS sound beeped at 6.45am. Yes the screen flashed, "A new message from sweet-kid". I was pretty sure that I am going to read the err and anguish of the kid. But to my surprise the SMS reads, "Thanks for the sweet wish". I certainly thought my kid got grown up or she is so angry that she is talking like a stranger. Before my frontal lobe could think of an answer, my heart blasted on me saying, "You dumb, the kid is angry".

Then what kind of a reply I was wishing to read? It’s obvious, I wanted to be scolded and asked for a bucket full of chocolate and a sweet hug as punishment. I stopped typing and went to take bath. I prayed before God for all the wishes to come true. I started to catch the train to go to office though my heart is moving opposite towards meeting its kid. After entering the station, I opened the draft mail.

When I was typing I heard a tone similar to my kid. I raised my head to follow the sound. A cute baby was playing with her mother’s necklace and shouting at the language which a mother can understand. I saw the kid and smiled, the kid instantly returned a smile at me. I got the answer why my sweet-kid sent the unusual thanks SMS to me. Someone whispered within saying, “Kids are like a mirror, whatever you do, they will imitate". I wished my kid in a silly way and was returned equally.

I saw the baby in the train moving its hand to a nearby passenger, holding his hand making a hi-five. I wish I were that passenger to hold the hand to convey the love to my kid through this baby......but it did not happen...when I moved forward, the train stopped, the baby and the family got down at the station.

I got a seat to sit. I closed my eyes to open to the truth. I don’t think I need this day as a special day to wish her, when I am wishing for the sky everyday, I don’t need the calendar to announce today as her birthday to love her more when she has all the share of 365 or 366 days, I don’t need the yummy cake to make my mouth watery to say her all the best for her dreams when there is no dream in my eyes except those borrowed from hers. I just don’t need anything but to say, "I will be there with you always, as always I was and I am".

I logged in my office system but could not sit for long. I thought of calling her while sitting in the cafeteria. I am connecting and disconnecting for several times as I could not gather enough courage to tell lie about all bla bla bla for not calling u last night. I asked my heart to stand beside me but it threw a dirty look saying, “I won’t cheat my kid like you are going to”. I asked brain to support, but to my surprise it says, “I am not comfortable with telling lies to a kid”. What a hell, no one is there at me to shoulder. Then from some corner of my heart the sweet kid pops up and said, "Don’t worry. I will call you 'happy' and ask you to wish me".

I waited for the reverse to happen on my kid's birthday. I was wishing the kid to call and yell at me saying, “Why don’t you call? You are very bad. You don’t love me anymore. I won’t talk to you...(after a pause)...wish me na happy".

My phone rang and needless to say, it flashed as “Sweet kid calling”. I pressed the accept button and heard my kid saying, "wish me na 'happy', I am waiting for your wish". As I started to utter, my heart pushed me back, like a policeman pushes a crowd, and said, "Happy Birthday Kid". But till today I have no clue how she got to know that I wanted her to call.

Wanna Fly

2010-02-15T12:59:00.005+05:30

She came running, jumped on me and hung her around my neck. Kissed on my cheek and asked, “When can I fly? You always call me as angel and I watched in TV that angels are flying. Tell me when can I fly?” I was not prepared for this question and did not want to tell some lie to a wonderful kid. When I was wondering for words to frame an answer, she jumped and ran after a butterfly.

But from that time onwards I am not as I was. I am still wondering, do the angels exist or it’s just an illusion? My heart produced a millions of reasons to convince my brain that angels do exist. But as someone beautifully said, “Though there is enough teeth to spell that its true, but all are meaningless and not worthy enough for my frontal lobes to believe till the time you see the truth by closing your eyes”, I closed my eyes to see an angel.

Yes, I saw it. It’s flying with a pair of golden white wings embedded with cotton like fur. A silver baton in hand and a sparkling shine on the face. I moved my hand to touch it. I felt all other sense object is no where to compare the touch I have now. The angel came to me and asked, “Wanna hold my hand?” Before my reflexes could think of a reaction, my hands left me and hold her. It’s the lightest of all I have ever weighed. I heard someone from my heart murmuring, “Angels do fly because they take their life lightly. They don’t put the weight of sorrow and lies on their heart. They keep themselves light by the cool breeze of truth and love. Anyone can fly like an angel does if they follow the path of their heart, take rest under the shadow of truth and accompany the fellow traveler with love.”

I was pulled back and opened my eyes when the kid shouted, “See I am learning to fly from butterfly”. Without a pause, I replied, “No need, you already know how to fly”. She smiled and ran behind the butterfly. I heard my rational brain pampering my heart by telling, “if kids can’t fly, then there is nothing on this world than can fly on their own”. I smiled at this and watched the kid flying after the butterfly.

Say him 'I Love You' for me

2010-02-02T15:57:00.004+05:30

Background: There are lots of people in our life whom we take as granted and never say how grateful we are having them around. It’s the story of a lady, Meenu, who after spending almost 50 years in the bond of marriage has not spoken what she wanted to say to her husband. May this endeavor fulfill her wish.

When I first saw you, I have already become your wife. You asked me, “Are you happy?” Without thinking my head nodded in yes. I don’t know why. I told, “I have agreed in this proposal, no one has ever forced me to do so”. You smiled and said, “No girl agrees to marry a boy in our society, they agree to their parents’ choice. You have not seen me earlier”. I got stunned with your reply. It’s true; I had not seen you before but the dream. I had listened my father describing you behind the door. I painted you in my dream. And you are no different. I wanted to say all…but I could not.

Our first night after marriage. Knowingly I slept early. I wanted to see what you will do. You came in silent steps. You saw me sleeping. Smiled and put the blanket on me and slept aside. I wanted to say, I have not slept but could not. How come you are as you are? I fell in love with you.

My parents passed away in an accident. My brother, Bapu, was left alone. Before I could think what will happen to him, you presented him before me and said, “Meenu, Bapu is going to stay with us.” I closed my eyes to hide the tears, and when wanted to say something, you have already left for office.

I was pregnant. You took one month leave to take good care of me. I doubt, it would have been difficult for my mother to compete with you in this. You prayed when I joined my hands, you lied when I wanted to escape; you bowed before God when I cried in labor room. When you entered to the room after delivery, I wished you to see the twins, but you asked me, “How are you feeling?” I wanted to say, Love you, but by that time you were playing with our babies.

My kidney and heart developed some problem. You took me to AIIMS. You sold all the land in village and the only plot in Bhubaneswar for me. You became thin in my pain. You came to my bed in the hospital. You held my hand and said, “Don’t worry Meenu, if nothing can be done here, I have planned to take you to America.” I wanted to shout, “No, why you are spending all for me, think about our kids”. But you put the blanket on me and told, “Sleep for some time”.

I got well in AIIMS only. On the way to Bhubaneswar, Bapu told me about the selling of village land and Bhubaneswar plot in dead cheap rate. I don’t know why, but for the first time I prepared myself to say you something. I said, “I am Sorry”. I wish I hadn’t. I wished I had one more chance to say what really mattered. To say how much I loved you. How grateful I was for every moment I was with you. I wanted to say love for me is snuggling up to you, just like a little girl does with someone she knows without fear, smell for me is your perfume, which I could smell three floors apart, touch for me is when you pressed my cheek and I would pass out into deep slumber, religion for me is your way of living, and above all, happiness to me is a picture of yours. But by the time I knew how to say what I wanted to, it was too late. You have already slept in the upper berth.

Yesterday, they came to see my grand daughter, Neethu, for marriage. I was not there due to illness. Neethu came in the evening as usual. She is less a grand daughter but more a friend. I asked to tease her, “Neethu, whom are you going to marry? Is there anyone in your mind? Tell me, I can arrange and will tell my son.” She smiled and told, “Don’t worry about me, Grandma, I have already selected one and told him ‘I love you, ok”. With sheer anxiety I asked, “Who?” Without a hitch she replied, “Grandpa”. She got up and shouted, “Grandpa, I love you”. A thin voice echoed from downstairs, “Love you darling”.

I am stunned now. I am laughing on myself and on my fear of getting out from myself. I am feeling proud for my Neethu’s flawless courage, feeling jealous too. Can I tell him as Neethu? Am I able to do so? Being able is just like being in Love. No one can tell you that you are able to, it’s just the own you have to fell through and through. Balls to bones. I asked Neethu, “Can you do one thing for me?” She chuckled and said, “Anything for you”. I looked down and told her, “Can you say I love you to your Grandpa for me?” She smiled again and pressed my cheek before shouting at her best, “Grandpa, grandma is saying I love you”. Neethu ran away. I was all ears to hear the reply as before, “Love you darling”, but I heard someone climbing the stairs, he is coming. Yes, I have to say him this time.

Shadow

2010-01-31T13:35:00.009+05:30

When you are showered with the sunny light of ‘joy’ and ‘happiness’, your ‘shadow’ will make a show off and will whisper at your ears, “See how much I love you, you are ignoring me after getting your ever wished ‘joy’ and ‘happiness’, but I never forget you. I am always there to feel you in Love. I beg, give me a hug. If you want I will come in the night, no one will ever know that you still love me”. You will smile at the helplessness of the poor ‘shadow’. You will laugh at life and always keep the light on to make the ever loving ‘shadow’ out of your reach.

Seasons change. Rainy day follows summer. So as the rain of ‘sorrow’ after the sunny ‘joy’. The river of ‘sorrow’ calls the ‘darkness’ to flood your life with ‘pain’, ‘failure’, ‘hate’ and ‘betrayal’. The ‘shadow’ not only will leave you in the whirlpool; it will join hands with the ‘darkness’ to see you trembling in fear. You can do nothing. You can’t even recognize which is your shadow in the flood of darkness. It’s life. It’s the revenge of your own ‘shadow’ for forgetting him in the sunny day.

A Pearl

2010-01-30T12:57:00.000+05:30

No one is sure about the future. All are burning in anxiety and fear. How one can live when he is hiding in the form of religion, God, philosophy, Love, Hate, Birth and Death? How can he taste the real flavor of life?

When a drop of water comes from the cloud saying a good bye to its home, is it beaming with fear about its future? Does it change its mood by the threatened thunder? Is the droplet is thinking whether it is going to be burnt on a hot frying pan, or is going to be a hope for a suicidal farmer, or is going to be a member of other droplets in the river to make a flood, or is going to lose its identity in a desert? Does it think? I hope no, else it can’t reflect its inner beauty while pierced through a sun ray to make a rainbow.

No, it knows no fear. It knows only one thing, to move towards its destiny, to fall on the earth. Nothing can change its direction; nothing can hide its destination. A droplet is as stubborn as a new born baby to cry for anything it wants to get. This makes the God to appear as an oyster to hug and keep the tiny droplet inside his heart to show the world the impact of determination, a pearl.

I got my answer

2010-01-24T17:58:00.001+05:30

I met her. She was not so beautiful, but I could not lift my eyes from her. Her eyes were not bluish, which I like the most, but I could not resist to dive in. Her lips were not perfectly curved, but I was unable to resist myself to go on kissing. She pushed me back, slapped hard and told, "I am not here to love the person who can’t win from his own self, who is still a slave of his desires and dreams". It’s for sure that someone has cemented my legs to the ground, else how could I listen such thing without a word. I got myself back when she started to move. I wanted to pull her back to my bedroom and teach a lesson, but I could not pull the stupid tears to roll on my cheek. I wanted to burst, but I was calm, so calm I can ever be. I didn’t know what was going on but I knew it’s the best thing to happen at me. I was in peace.

But how long do you think the peace is going to stand? How long I can win the fight against myself? I fear I am going to lose one day. The fear of losing from myself stole the power of my eyelids to shut in the night. For me, it’s purely philosophical to believe that, “It’s not important whether you will win or lose, but the most important thing is how you fought”. But how I will fight? I am made up of pure lies who believes in sheer physical pleasure, whose motive is always to satisfy the taste buds, whose aim is to keep all the beauties by his side on the bed. From where I will get the energy to fight with me? I don’t know. Laying the question in my eyes to dream for an answer, I shut my brain to rest.

From some where a sound came. Love. Who sounded that, I didn’t even bother to look for. May be I knew that, and was looking for an assurance like I used to have in my childhood when I was in confusion and my father used to put his hand on my head and whispers, “You are right, just follow your heart”.

But, energy from Love? Don’t you think it sounds rubbish? May be?

But how can I get energy from ‘Love’ till the time I am in confusion about the anomaly about whether ‘Love’ is merely a word or a human emotion which a speechless heart pumps with blood to every part of the body? I believe it’s an emotion which every normal human being possesses. But I don’t know why I wanted to ask someone about this. Who will be better than the ‘heart’ to answer such a question? Yes, I asked the same question to my heart. To my irony, heart replied, “Love is just a word, but important thing is what connection the word ‘Love’ implies”. I asked, “How do you such thing”. My heart replied, “I know, because it’s nothing but a pride to know what ‘love’ is. I bowed my head with shame and had to rise when my heart presented me a question to answer, “What you would give to hold on to that connection?” Without a pause I replied, “Anything”.

My heart took a pause, smiled and pumped a few liters of blood and told, “I was happy when you became insane, and was happier when you dreamed to do ‘Anything’ to remain that insane. It’s bad but remarkable to see how similar the pattern of ‘Love’ is to the pattern of insanity. This is the hope with which ‘Love’ is giving energy to you to fight with you”. I asked, “Why I could not see the insanity in me long before”. Without any thought my heart become a philosopher and told, “No one can see beyond a choice they don’t understand, and so as you”. I murmured, “You sure did surprise me, Heart, and you still do”. My heart smiled and said, “You too”. I got my answer; I got my source of energy to fight with me. I know she will come back someday, any day.

I'll Convince my Heart

2010-01-22T14:23:00.004+05:30

It’s nearly impossible for me to write it down the moments that we’ve shared. You walked into my life, and made the deepest mark. Why you came, I don’t know, but why you are going, I want to erase the answer. When you are here, I have the world with me,

It is heaven; I wish it could be eternity.

We walked side by side, hand in hand, under the moonlight. The slightest touch of your hand, your presence was like worth than a life time. Have you ever felt like that? I know you won’t answer this. And I always loved to ask you the question and prayed before God not to get the answer.

It’s like diving in the deep sea to remember the first kiss, the trembling eye lids, the closed eyes, the reddish cheek and the heavenly touch. You remember when I asked, “why you are closing eyes while kissing?” You replied straight looking at my eyes, “Do you think Kiss is merely a brush of lips?” Knowing the answer as “No”, I replied “Yes”. You smiled and told, “Idiot”. The warmth that you give me makes me feel so secure, I will be with you in pain; I will be with you in cure! Please don’t go. I want to be the same idiot.

That day is coming. You will hold my hand and will tell, leave me. How can I? How do you expect a human to leave its spirit? I believe some can do, but I don’t want to be great. I want to lie to see you smile, I want to be late to see you angry, I want to lose to see you win, I want to cry to get a hug, I want to hug to feel your warmth, and I want to kiss to be in heaven, I want to live to see you around. Don’t you want all? I know you have to go, but you’ll stay by my side, you told me not to cry, but, keep a positive heart, “Because all good things don’t stay together, but often stay apart.”

The day is finally here, when you leave me all alone. If I have done anything good to bargain for you to stay, please stay. If I had to give you something, that would remind you of me, I’d give you a house full of memories.

Its time for us to part, you’ll be at the other end of the world. My heart bleeds to see you going. I will wait for you with bated breath. I will lead my life, sometimes I’ll cry in a dark corner, I’ll smile at a flashback. I’ll see new dreams, I’ll run new races, but I’ll always love the emptiness. I will miss you, but don’t worry I will convince my heart.

Egobin

2010-01-21T14:18:00.009+05:30

I always had an intuition that I am good at putting words in a proper place to give any topic a meaning. That intuition always puts me on the keyboard to type any messy article. Same thing I did yesterday by writing one and thought it as a master piece of my work. Hoping to get praise like, ‘what an article!’ I usually send all my articles to my friends to review. I did no exception but one by sending that to a kid to read and comment.

Today morning I opened my mail in a hope to get few comments. To my utter surprise I got the first one from the kid. It was not like that of a comment. It was like a box full of crackers to put me on fire. The kid says, “What you want to say with your words, why you written those things are difficult to understand for me. I don’t know why people think out of box.....Sometimes they don’t even know what is their inside the box. Though I tried to read and understand the words what you wrote, but my brain does not grasp a single concept. I don’t want you to write again such words.....I am busy....I wont read again if it is not interesting.....I am not getting any benefits from this post....Its not simple...Everyone reads some piece of work to get some information or knowledge or happiness from the reading. In all such aspects I did gain nothing. Life is simple....don’t try to make it complicated”.

I stopped thinking for a moment or two. It’s like the same feeling, which I got last month, when I was holding my one month old niece in my hand and kissing her forehead and she suddenly raised her hands up to my cheek, like a gesture of slapping. I told my mother to see that she is slapping. My mother kissed her forehead and told with love, ‘slap more’. I saw my mother with a question in my eye. She told, “Babies are the form of living Gods, if they are slapping you means you are loosing your sins, it’s the way of getting away from the mistakes of the life”. She was looking like a philosopher. I was mute. Smiled and kissed my niece’s forehead once again in a wish to get slapped once more and more to get away from sins. It was funny and foolish, but I did.

I took the paper in which I wrote the article of yesterday. Read it again as a stranger. I could find some complicated words which I searched and copied from synonyms dictionary. I found some unfinished lines, some biased feelings, some un-open and unnecessary questions and a blunt end. I did not even think twice to tore it to the smallest piece possible and threw it to the dustbin. Oh! What a relief. I am feeling like relaxed. Don’t you think, dustbin is nothing but a caretaker of all wrong did, isn’t it? Won’t it be good if we have one ‘egobin’ to throw our false ego and be relaxed? I went inside the room where I have kept the Ganesh idol. I closed my eyes, joined my hands and spoke from my heart, ‘take my egos’. I felt like being slapped again.

Give My Weapon Back

2010-01-20T14:07:00.005+05:30

Words always retain their power. They offer the means to meaning and for those who will listen, the enunciation of truth. And the truth is we are far behind the race to choose the words that eventually will give the meaning of "Love". And for this what had happened, if you are looking for the one who is guilty, just look at the mirror.

How does that happen? Who is responsible for it? It's obvious that we all are afraid, Who would not be? War, terror, poverty, disease, failure, mad race for success, cheating...there are a myriad of problems which conspired to corrupt our reason and rob us of our commonsense. Fear got the best of us. And when we are panic, we turned to the destiny without thinking a simple line, "can we solve our own problems?". We wished for order, success, peace and in return we unknowingly shred our own weapon, the weapon of "Love". But we wantedly forgot the basic fact of destiny which we humans have long back invented when we failed to stand by the fact that everything that happens is an accident.

It's the time to move back. It's the time to ask, "give my weapon back". It's the time to believe on our own. It's the time to sharpen the weapon of "Love" with trust and humility to conquer the war of the worlds. Let's end this fear. Let's fight for our own. Let's Love. Let's be in Love.

I will never close my Eyes again

2010-01-19T16:27:00.037+05:30

[Background: This is a story of a fourteen year girl who was gang raped and now fighting a case in the court of law to get justice. She is confused about which side she is in the case. The whole scene seems to be a war of words which reminds her about the war of Ramayana she had heard from her grandma. Taking that war as a base she is trying to figure out her side, but getting more and more confused. The following words are her emotional outflow cos of the trauma she is undergoing.]

All rise. A person with a red turban shouted at his best in the court room. All stood up. I also rose my head for the first time in the court. A gloomy wisely looking bald head old man with a thick glass was sitting in the center chair of the dais. Case no. RP\2010\xxxxx something he shouted. A lawyer, a man wearing a black gown like dress similar to that of batman costume without the horn began to speak. A very few line I got to understand, and mostly not. After few minutes another lawyer got up from the chair and started speaking. I did not try to understand what he was telling. But one thing for sure, all the lawyers are spy else how could they are able to tell the court with all certainty about what had happened that night which I also did not know. I simply closed my eyes. Now the words were more clear. It was like a war of words and I was standing in between this. But which side I am? I don't know. Whom to ask?

My grandma is very old and can't listen properly else I would have asked her about the war I am in. I am dead sure she wont refuse to answer her only granddaughter. I am confused now. I believe in every war there is an enemy to fight with. But I still can't figure it out the fact whether the war makes the fighters of both the sides as enemies, as cruel as it possible, as devilish as it can be or its the enemies who make the wars to be fought.

I still remember the good old days of listening stories from my grandma. She knows all the Lords of the heaven by name. She used to tell me the stories of Ramayana. The most important part of the epic was the fight scenes. She is an wonderful orator I have ever come across with. I simply close my eyes to visualize the war. And suddenly I ask..."Why the God created these evil demons and fight with them with great difficulties? It would have been better if the God stopped their production in the first hand. The God is very fool. Isn't it grandma?"

My grandma immediately puts her dry hand on my mouth to make me stop uttering anything further. Joins her hands towards the sky and tells, "Oh God, forgive her." Then she turns back at me and says, "who told you that the demons are bad? And the fight is good for nothing." Her face becomes calm and still. She closes her eyes and starts...

The fights of Ramayana was the sacred fights ever fought in the history of mankind. It was like a place where you can find the open doors to heaven. There is no enemy from any of the sides. All are fighting with their own spirit. The demons are good at gimmicks, magic and tricks to play with and they are fighting with that. While Lord Ram is good at novelty and humanitarian values and is fighting with that. If you expect both of them at the same state to fight, then there is no fight. Both are fighting to show their ancestors which value they should follow, for which value they should die for. There is nothing wrong in doing that. Everyone is on this earth to make it a better place for the future to reside on. If a person has not discovered anything worth die for, then its for sure you are talking about a dead body. How many of us are really alive?How many of us are warriors of the war?

When I look into the war I am into, I can't find in which side to take. I am yet to discover the values for which the war is on. I am dumb at deciding which value system to be superior, to prevail for future. Is it the side I should belong which has the values of forcibly taking a girl, walking alone on the road counting the good old memories, to experiment what is 'rape' all about in a dark room or I should belong to the side which believes in the values of removing my clothes in a broad daylight court room to see the 'rape' happening in war of words of the lawyers?

My intuition says all the warriors of this side present in the court room are visualizing the scene of my humiliation like I used to enjoy visualizing the war scenes of Ramayana in my childhood. Are they enjoying me being naked? I don't know cos I still I have not figured out the value system of this side. But please don't close your eyes to imagine my then position. I can't stand here otherwise... That night they were only four, but here in this room I suppose you are more than forty. Please open your eyes, please don't close as I did while listening to Ramayana. Oh Lord Ram, please don't punish me like this by allowing them to do the same while I am fighting my war. I beg, I am sorry that I had closed my eyes while listening to the holy war you fought. If you want, I will never close my eyes again.

I know you are not listening, you didn't even listen that night.

If you look at my eyes, you will see a lovely fourteen year girl. If you look at my smile, you will find nothing wrong. If you pull up my shirt, you will see the bruises. Why my back does have the copy of the thin stick with which I was beaten up? Why my breasts do have the marks of crying finger nails? Why my genital does remind me as used by ashtray for cigars? What did I do to make the world so mad about my flesh?

But what is my fault? Who silenced the voice of 'you can'? Who disappeared the reasons which always made me to believe that 'it will change'? Who I am a person in between the war zone? What is my existence? Do I have to believe that the belief of 'there will be my turn' is dead?

No one sees the war I silently fight very single moment. Is there a day when my war will love to pull a full-stop rather than a semi biased communist question mark? I don't know. But still I have a hope. My grandma used to say, "whatever may be the sin, if you accept it and seek blessing from Lord Ram, he will protect you. He will forgive you". I already have accepted my guilty of closing my eyes to enjoy the wars of Ramayana. I vowed before Lord Ram that I will never close my eyes again. I know he will forgive me for my childish sin and will guide me to choose the right side in the war of mine. I know, he will.

The court is adjourned for the day. Knowing that my grandma is ill, I went with a hope to ask her about which side of the war I should take. But I don't know why my grandma is also not closing her eyes from evening.

A Knife's Love Story

2010-01-01T13:06:00.001+05:30

See the knife, how it is standing still without a tilt, like a saint in yoga position, by putting half of its shiny part inside a human body. It must be made up of steel else how can someone so cool, so calm after taking bath in a pool of blood. Its not listening the warm breathing of the spectators around the body...not listening the crying of a lady who was said to be the wife...not considering the curses of an old lady who said to be the mother...not caring the scanning eyes of the policemen around the body. How can a piece of steel be so patient, so calm, so cheerful like a lover looks like after beholding his beloved.

It’s divine. Yes it’s nothing but divine and eternal.

The relation between a knife and a dead body is always at the zenith of any relationship. Like a great critic and well wisher, the knife penetrates and concentrates inside the body. I hope the knife is searching the heart through a one inch crack in the stomach. May be the search is over; else why the knife is so still…so cool with red blood at both sides of itself.

The knife knows, the world is not real, it’s a mirage and all have to search for the spirit, the divine almighty. It’s impossible for his beloved man to search for the almighty till the time it is bonded with earthy love…a mere matrix. It always wants to free the man from the bond. There is no better way to make the man free than to forcibly enter through stomach to the hart and tell the heart…I love you, will you die to live with the almighty?

The heart cries and tells my dear knife, how I can repay your greatness, you accepted to live with the scoundrels and the killers without any objection just to reach me and make me free from all this bondage. The knife smiles and guides its tip to get more into the body. The knife forgets its pain during its stay with the killer, the way the killer shows the naked knife to his friends like a prostitute, the way the killer allows his friends to use the knife, the pain of to be used as a mere cutter for vegetables and the pain of some other and next. The heart sees the knife from very near, feels the cold, gets the warmth, forgets itself and pumps blood vigorously from mouth with joy to show its happiness. And the knife shines with joy and put a victory vermilion of blood on its body of steel, a symbol of divine love and sage like dedication to make the body a dead body.

Please to post your comments...

Continued...Death: I Love you

2009-06-09T16:52:00.004+05:30

Hi Friends,

I am going to try something stupid. I was trying to post something to bore you all for last few days. But to your good luck I was empty in key board to type a mess. Then I started reading my previous posts and the comments. I stopped at the comments of the post "Death: I Love You". The comment on the post by Deepa was better than the post itself. I also replied in a messy poetic way.

After few minutes I felt, why not post it to increase the headache of my friends. And here is the comment by Deepa (A girl's wish for her Love) and my reply (A boy's reply for the sake of his Love) on the base origional post "Death: I Love You"

A Girl's wish for her Love:

Oh my love, if you wish to die on my laps,
You will be granted
I will wear the pain as a reward of love.
Love always not end with death,
I will live to prove that.
I will bear the pain until death.
The pain of not being with you,
The pain of lonely life like an empty afternoon,
The pain symbol of our love I bear until the death.

A boy's reply for the sake of his Love

Oh my sweet heart...
Love is great and you will be with your sacrifice...
But what is my fault....
All will praise you for your dedication....
how can I stay with a heavy heart ...
You will have a lonely afternoon...
how can I bear the load "the pity" from dawn to dusk...

I love you...
How can I give you up...
How can I leave you alone....
Oh God! Please don't make me selfish...

Oh God! give me death....
but don't give living death to my sweet heart...
Oh God! Teach me death, but don't teach my sweet heart what is pain....

Oh God! Please make my last two wish fulfilled, before I die.....
I will have no complain....
I will love to love death as much time you send me through birth....

Got headache ? Now go and search for some medicine

Love
Saktishree

My eyes turned into a womb.....

2009-02-25T14:31:00.004+05:30

This is an expression of a girl's LOVE

There is a new kind of
Rain in my heart…
I am fully flooded…..

My eyes turned into a womb
Since they have bore your image…..

I don’t know how
Others are getting the smell of my eyes….
Eyes….with glittering diamonds
When I could not see you…

When the Love cyclone
hit my heart…..
I turned beautiful….
I was born again newly……

There is a new kind of
Rain in my heart…
I am fully flooded…..

Just Observe....Don't Involve

2008-03-06T18:08:00.002+05:30

Compassion doesn’t mean feeling sorry or sad for others. It means you do not judge. When you see an act you can see the perfect circumstances this action arose from. For this kind of observation you need to move beyond the limited mind and see reality as it is in each moment. You never take on others’ pain. What we mean by saying that is that others’ pain reflects our own pain. This is why it feels so painful and heavy. At the end of the day it is all about us. When you move beyond the small self and become the observer, you do what has to be done and you accept what can not be changed. How do you know when is what? By being fully in the moment.

Be an Observer……don’t involve

Death: I Love You................

2008-03-06T17:29:00.000+05:30

Death is a great sleep. The whole turmoil of life ...all miseries, all excitements, anxieties simply disappear, are no longer relevant. You fall back into the original unity of existence. You become part of earth. Body loves the mother earth, breath loves the open air, and your warmth loves the eternal sun, your water to the ocean and your inner sky meeting with the outer sky. This is death. How can one hate death?

Death is not an enemy…..but a great friend. Death has to be welcomed; death has to be waited for, with a heart full of Love. If you think it as an enemy, you will die, nothing can prevent….but you will die in an agony as you are resisting the irresistible. In resistance you have to fight, you have to give up all your joys while fighting….but you cant win…..do you love to die defeated. You will be unconscious in the last moment in tired and you can’t learn the last teaching of life, the death, the eternal truth. You can’t remember what had happened when you died. You will not remember that Death was a door into the divine. You will be carried through the door, but on a stretcher, unconscious. You will miss a great opportunity.

But my dear God please to make my death more beautiful......make my death in the lap of my beloved, make my last glance to see her face, make my hand to touch her for the eternity. I will never complain.... I will love to love death as much time you send me through birth....

She

2008-02-28T17:28:00.000+05:30

She is someone who knows me through and through, knows why I do things I do, knows my faults are what they are loves me as I am.

She understands the inner 'me', my moods, my insecurities and accepts me at my worst....yet helps me to be the best I can.

She knows the dreams I hold, the longings, the fears and the hopes I hide. She keeps my secrets safe and always hopes my dreams come true.

As days come and go, She'll always be there for me. I know, loving, caring, accepting, without end....
................................................................

I Love You

2008-02-10T17:33:00.000+05:30

Hi,

I know this stupid fellow is here, but the heart is there with you always. I feel embarrass as I cant see you aside...what a fool I am....you are always in my feelings, in my breath and and I am searching out. I am selfish, I dont love you as the sweetest creation of the almighty, but I love you as I feel ease thinking about you. I know you possess such a big heart that my foolished selfishness will find a little unnoticed space without affecting your smile....

Waiting for you
.......Sakti

Can you ever be mine !!!

2008-02-07T17:49:00.000+05:30

.................................

You - What to write about you ?

Unknowingly we came close

the nearer you drew......the more scared was I

To be more precise....

My self-confidence gave way.

I wanted nobody to break the shell I was in

even though the shell was delicate

But.......it was you who broke it first !

Once you entered......I wanted to remove its frailty

and make it strong.......

So strong that nobody could enter it

And the most important thing............You can't go out !!!

But it was a myth.....

A guy for whom....Lie....Ever and Truth....Never

Now, when I think about you....

knowing that we are moving apart and apart

diametrically opposite sides.....

The heart which tried to avoid you once......

the eyes which hated your look....

the ears which were deaf to your voice....

are thirsting for them.....!!!

Can you ever be mine ?

With Love, Sakti

Lie....Ever, Truth....Never

...................................

Let's Cry......

2007-11-16T15:18:00.001+05:30

I hope you will agree on the point that women are more emotional and sensitive. Ever wondered why? If both men and women are the best creations of the almighty then how the emotional value system is totally opposite? I am not a genius or philosopher to discuss the rational behind that. I am sharing my views and trying a foolish attempt to understand the psychological behavior of men and women on LOVE, HATE and EMOTION

What I am going to tell will be clearer if you have observed women very closely. Just a flower is worth enough than a big lecture to your woman. You may not able to say something to your woman but you can give her a flower, or just at the way you look at her, the way you are charmed by her, the way your eyes have a glint is enough. Women are very understanding about that. In fact, if you talk too much, that is all junk. A woman doesn’t see what you are saying; she sees what you are feeling. That is one of the problems: the man thinks, “I am talking such beautiful things, I am being so loving, I am saying such great things,” and the woman is simply uninterested!

Sometimes you are silent and the woman understands. N the way you look at her, or you hold her hand, or just sit in simple silence where not a single word is uttered, something is communicated.

The woman is still intuitive and more natural than man, wilder than man; that’s her beauty. And that is the hope for humanity, that at least half of humanity is still wild, uncivilized. There is hope that the other half will also fall back into un-civilization, will become uncultured again.

The way of the heart is beautiful and dangerous. The way of the mind is ordinary but easy and safe. The man has chosen the safest and shortcut way of life while the woman has chosen the most beautiful, but the most mountainous, dangerous path of emotions, sentiments, moods.

This is, as per me, the primary reason why most of the times a woman feel the society is not fit for a woman to live in as the society is ruled by man and follows the constitution of reason and logic.

As far I am concerned, mind is a shortcut if we are going outward and exploring everything materialistic while heart is a very long way. But if we are going inward and trying to understand ourselves, heart is the shortest. And mind is the longest way you can think of.

We are leaving in a wrong trained euphoria. Man has been trained to be strong, to be manly, and all this is nonsense (you are free to differ). No man cries and lets his sadness or joy flow through his tears because he has been told since he was a child that tears are for women, it is girlish. Men never cry and weep.

But then what are tears for? Is it just a salty fluid created by mistake? No, like we feel cool after sweating, we can feel calm after crying. But we are ashamed. Tear is a language gifted along with smile by God. Languages communicate our learning experience to the world. Similarly when we experience very high sorrow or happiness, that experience starts overflowing through tears. You may be so sad that words fail to express what you feel but 10 ml. of salty tear will explain. Simple na?

That’s the main reason why women get less mad as compared to men. Men believe in whole selling, they accumulate the pain and explode in a big way. But women prefer retail business, everyday they purchase some happiness and laugh and loose some sentiments and cry.

So my dear friends, if you are a man pls practise to CRY and if you are a WOMAN please tell your dear ones(Men) to cry.......ha ha..... how pessimistic.

(Inspired by one writing / speech …I forgot. But basic thanks to him / her)

LIE....the eternal Truth

2007-09-18T00:04:00.002+05:30

Hey….have you ever thought how many LIE you are telling in a day? May be Yes, may be No. Let’s think about a situation….you asked me my name….I told my name is GOD. When your friend asks you, “Who he is?” you replied, GOD. But I am not actually. I have lied. As per you, you have told the truth but in absolute value it’s a lie. Isn’t it funny? May be, may not be.

What is Truth? What is Lie? Are we mature enough to define it? May be Yes, may be No. Before Galileo all thought earth is constant and Sun is revolving....All our Epics are also followed the same.... many crores of people died with that fact (LIE) thinking that as the absolute truth (Lie).....but in one day all changed. People started believing and joked on them on their ignorance. But this did not last long. Scientist of 20^th century proved that Sun is also moving like Earth, not constant. Now we are laughing on your grand parents and great grand parents. What a fun? Who knows when the so called truth for us will be a reason for laugh for our next generation? Now you tell which is true....the belief of truth or the truth itself?

I believe LIE is the ultimate and absolute truth in the universe. See Truth is changing with time but LIE, with the change of time it is caring, loving and accepting the yesterday’s truth into its lap. Curdling and telling, dear truth, don’t worry, let the whole universe hate you and make joke on you as you became a LIE today, but I am yours, always yours, I knew you will come one day to me. Believe me I will not let you out to the world of TRUTH which has no meaning, no heart but a language…….

Truth or Lie is just an interpretation of language. Have you ever heard an animal lying? A tree or a mountain? No, they are not as they don’t have any language. If language is not there then there is no truth no Lie....Truth or Lie is just to categorize the state of mind of people.....We are too complex and consciously unlearn how to communicate through heart and learned thousands of language and countless LIE. Who thinks by his/her heart, your so called truth or lie is helpless to find their own meaning at them. Animals think and do by heart....they have no importance for truth or Lie............Wish I were an animal.

Hey, are you getting bored or confused after reading this? I hope so and you should be as I love to bore people with this kind of LIE, the eternal truth.

LIE…..Ever, Truth….Never

LOVE: The business inside

2007-08-13T12:36:00.001+05:30

Hi,

This is an extension of the previous post "Unconditional Love". The objective is not to tell you what is LOVE.........its to realize and to understand are we on the right track to understand it as it is.

What do you do, when you meet somebody you think may become a love partner?

Pop lyrics describe the surface reactions at length, but underneath it’s likely that you’ll start a checklist. You’ll want to check if s/he is going to give you what’s missing from your life.

If you are looking for stability, you will ask if s/he is going to be a rock. If you are looking for financial security, money will go onto your list. If you feel you are weak in spiritual dialogue, you will itemize his/her spiritual qualities. You will also ask, is s/he loving, strong, or weak? Or, weak enough so that you feel strong? It is often a very long checklist.

Then you will score your list by points. Your overall score will tell you whether s/he will fulfill all of your needs, to be loved, to feel secure, to belong. Whether s/he will fit with who you are (insert self description here, like educated, wild, conservative, introverted, family oriented).

When we perceive ourselves as being incomplete, we constantly look for another to complete us. In the language of love, the phrase “you complete me” is a common one.

Making your list is the first step in the business of love: preparing to barter.

The deal on the table is, “I will love you if you will provide me with all the missing parts that I need to be a complete person.”

Building your checklist starts from the first moment of meeting, and you will modify and add to it throughout the days, weeks, months-even longer-until you know either way.Or think you do.

Maybe the candidate passes the “checklist of acceptance” stage, and is willing to barter. That is, when s/he has done a checklist on you, and you have passed. You both move to the second stage of the contract, testing whether expectations will be fulfilled.

For example, you will test out clauses that say, “I expect you to make me:

- feel safe
- feel happy
- feel attractive
- feel important
- feel like I belong
- feel I am desirable
- feel ……and the list continues with a positive hope for modification

If one of the parties fails to fulfill the other’s expectations, then pain, frustration, disappointment and anger will arise. The deal might begin to fall apart right here.

If the second stage does work (for a while, anyway) you’ll likely move up to Stage 3 of the deal. Here are the clauses that require the other to “become just like me.”

- You should think like me
- You should love like me
- You should act like me
- You should desire like me
- You should dream like me
- You should clean the kitchen like I do
- You should be like me

The business approach to love is a process of barter: it is always conditional. Every time you draft a contract to love that’s based on your own needs, you write the conditions for potential suffering. The moment one of the signatories in the love contract does not receive their part of the bargain, the so-called “love” starts fading.

By contrast, true love can’t fade or stop. True love is unconditional and can exist only when you feel complete in yourself. True love manifests from this experience of oneness. Loving others means loving yourself: accepting your failings, inadequacies, or needs and no longer requiring someone else to complete them. True love means you may dislike people’s behavior or not agree with their actions but it will not affect the love and compassion that you experience towards them.

When you look back at your love relationships that failed, with people that you thought you loved intensely, you may be puzzled that you don’t anymore. The more you feel you loved them then, the more likely it is, now, that you actually feel resentment or hate towards them.

If this happens, then you should know you never loved them from the beginning. You were simply involved in the business of love.

Now lets think about ourselves...............let's look back at our life........

Can we say that we ever truly loved? Unconditionally and without needs?

If the answer is YES...you are the chosen one and if the answer is NO..............

Am I making a blunder as usual ?

Am I talking about something not necessary ? Pls help me to correct my thinking by posting your comments

Unconditional LOVE

2007-08-10T13:54:00.001+05:30

Sometimes I think when everything is with a purpose and preconditioned….how come Unconditional love? It hunted me and my mind for quite a long time. The objective of this writing is to pen down what I feel and to gather what you feel about this.

Generally we pour all kinds of unnecessary meanings into the unconditional love’s bucket, like; I must like everything and everybody, I need to accept all behaviors and take non sense from others because we are one etc. As per me unconditional love means you do not put conditions on loving that suit your lower self. The feeling of loving doesn’t change, it is constant but within it you can still say goodbye to a boy(girl)friend that you may not like to be with anymore. But still you don’t stop loving him \ her but you may stop seeing him \ her. Am I confusing…may be…

With the above idea one new idea comes - the idea of finding love and that the “love” is supposed to come from a place of other, rather than an internal union. This triggers a deep inner loneliness within. One thinks, “What if I never find someone to connect with really and truly and deeply but myself?” The other part replies: “Good. Then you will feel fulfilled always and it will not matter.” That 1st part retorts: “But what will others think? Won’t I appear as different or weird? Some says keep loving. But our little self says: “Will anyone care (including my own self)?”

Then we have to realize that is an example of conditional love. If nobody cares or acknowledges it what is the point of loving? Does the tree stop creating shade because no one cares? Does the flower stop spreading its fragrance because nobody acknowledges it? What the flower can do, so can you, as you are the jewel in the heart of the lotus.

Lets think about a girl who had a boyfriend in the past and now they are separated (don’t think much about the various reasons that does not come into the scope of this….think simple), she hates him now……Why it happens? As per me the fact is we are all home for each other. The hatred the girl feel towards him comes from the knowledge that he is holding the drugs she is addicted to. When he doesn’t give it to her at all or in the way she would like, he becomes an enemy as from hers subconscious point of view he is there to serve the girl. (I hope I am confusing you…..the fact is I am unable to explain….do excuse)

Try to remember the situation when you go to a store you buy what you need or think you need. We enter a store with the hope to find what we need and if we don’t we leave with a sense of disappointment. This is exactly how we enter a relationship - as if it were a giant store where you can find anything you need.

It is interesting to observe how when we go out to find our lover/partner we all hold an invisible shopping list that our potential lover should provide as though he/she were a walking shopping center.

The shopping list:

He \ she needs to be –

Attractive but only to us and not for others….(don’t you think so?)
Funny, as well as serious (how come?)
Deep yet light (isn’t it?)
Close to us but give us space when we need it (aren’t we stupid?)
Confident but gentle (think how one can be?)
Very passionate but only to us (are we the master of his \ her mind?)
Very loyal but not too jealous (too much…..)

And most importantly, he or she must be crazy about us although we ourselves need not have any of the above qualities.

The difference is that in the store of conditional love the currency for purchasing is your freedom.

If you NEED to be fulfilled by others you sell your freedom for this ‘fulfillment’. You will either always be frustrated as your expectations are not fulfilled or if they are fulfilled, you will be afraid that it may be taken away from you.

If people with awareness, like you, would channel the energy they use to find the one that will “fix” them, into unraveling who they are as essence, beyond the primal needs and desires, love wouldn’t be so painful.

Am I wrong as usual?

Am I thinking totally out of the blue? I hope you can help me out.....

Do help by posting your comments....

Love,
Sakti
.........................

Sedina bodhe barsha heuthila.... (ORIYA)

2007-08-03T17:36:00.000+05:30

Sedina bodhe barsha heuthila
Tame jebe chapi chapi
chota jari laga odhani ku tani tani

chatire hata chandi
jor re chaluthila
han han ...sedina bodhe barsha heuthila

Kahin tame ta kahila nahin
Barsha re viji viji gita gaebaku
Hatare hata chandi chalibaku
Kohala pabana madare thari thari
akhire akhi miseibaku

Sedina bodhe tana khara heuthila

......Hau setiki tahu Tana khara kabita ta next time.....(ebe aau mane paduni kana lekhibi...)
.....................................

How come ? (ORIYA)

2007-08-02T19:18:00.000+05:30

..............................................................
Kemiti kejani
sedina se galabele buliki chahinle...
hueta mate nuhan....
mun kintu khusi heli aauthare
se alatabhija muhantiku dekhi.....

Kemiti kejani.....
sedina tanka scrap aasithila mo naare....
hueta bhulre....
mate kintu swarga miligala......
tanka hata lekha scrap padhi....

Kemiti kejani.......
sedina se phone karithile.....
hoepare cross connection....
mo muhanru sabda baharu nathila...
mun muka hoegali....
Khusire....aabegare....abiswasare....
se kahile.....a rabibara dekha karipariba ki....
mun kintu muka thili....
Khusire....aabegare....abiswasare....

Aau due dina achi....
Laguchi...a dina guda aau jibani....
he janha tame ratire due thara aasa......
he surjya tame tike sighra asta hua........

Kemiti kejani....
manaku papa chunchi....
satare se kana aasibe...

kemiti kejani.........

....................................................................