Tuesday, January 19, 2010

I will never close my Eyes again

[Background: This is a story of a fourteen year girl who was gang raped and now fighting a case in the court of law to get justice. She is confused about which side she is in the case. The whole scene  seems to be a war of words which reminds her about the war of Ramayana she had heard from her grandma. Taking that war as a base she is trying to figure out her side, but getting more and more confused. The following words are her emotional outflow cos of the trauma she is undergoing.]

All rise. A person with a red turban shouted at his best in the court room. All stood up.  I also  rose my head for the first time in the court. A gloomy wisely looking bald head old man with a thick glass  was sitting in the center chair of the dais. Case no. RP\2010\xxxxx something he shouted. A lawyer, a man wearing a black gown like dress similar to that of batman costume without the horn began to speak. A very few line I got to understand, and mostly not.  After few minutes another lawyer got up from the chair and started speaking. I did not try to understand what he was telling. But one thing for sure, all the lawyers are spy else how  could they are able to tell the court  with all certainty about what had happened that night which I also did not know. I simply closed my eyes. Now the words were more clear. It was like a war  of words and I was standing in between this. But which side I am? I don't know. Whom to ask?

My grandma is very old and can't listen properly else I would have asked her about the war I am in. I am dead sure she wont refuse to answer her only granddaughter. I am confused now. I believe in every war there is an enemy to fight with. But I still can't figure it out the fact whether the war makes the fighters of both the sides as enemies, as cruel as it possible, as devilish as it can be or its the enemies who make the wars to be fought.

I still remember the good old days of listening stories from my grandma. She knows all the Lords of the heaven by name. She used to tell me the stories of Ramayana. The most important part of the epic was the fight scenes. She is an wonderful orator I have ever come across with. I simply close my eyes to visualize the war. And suddenly I ask..."Why the God created these evil demons and fight with them with great difficulties? It would have been better if the God stopped their production in the first hand. The God is very fool. Isn't it grandma?"

My grandma immediately puts her dry hand on my mouth to make me stop uttering anything further. Joins her hands towards the sky and tells, "Oh God, forgive her." Then she turns back at me and says, "who told you that the demons are bad? And the fight is good for nothing." Her face becomes calm and still. She closes her eyes and starts...

The fights of Ramayana was the sacred fights ever fought in the history of mankind. It was like a place where you can find the open doors to heaven. There is no enemy from any of the sides. All are fighting with their own spirit. The demons are good at gimmicks, magic and tricks to play with and they are fighting with that. While Lord Ram is good at novelty and humanitarian values and is fighting with that. If you expect both of them at the same state to fight, then there is no fight. Both are fighting to show their ancestors which value they should follow, for which value they should die for. There is nothing wrong in doing that. Everyone is on this earth to make it a better place for the future to reside on. If a person has not discovered anything worth die for, then its for sure you are talking about a dead body. How many of us are really alive?How many of us are warriors of the war?

When I look into the war I am into, I can't find in which side to take. I am yet to discover the values for which the war is on. I am dumb at deciding which value system to be superior, to prevail for future. Is it the side I should belong which has the values of forcibly taking a girl, walking alone on the road counting the good old memories, to experiment what is 'rape' all about in a dark room or I should belong to the side which believes in the values of removing my clothes in a broad daylight court room to see the 'rape' happening in war of words of the lawyers?

My intuition says all the warriors of this side present in the court room are visualizing  the scene of my humiliation like I used to enjoy visualizing the war scenes of Ramayana in my childhood. Are they enjoying me being naked? I don't know cos I still I have not figured out the value system of this side. But please don't close your eyes to imagine my then position. I can't stand here otherwise...    That night they were only four, but here in this room I suppose you are more than forty. Please open your eyes, please don't close as I did while listening to Ramayana.  Oh Lord Ram, please don't punish me like this by allowing them to do the same while I am fighting my war. I beg, I am sorry that I had closed my eyes while listening to the holy war you fought. If you want, I will never close my eyes again.

I know you are not listening, you didn't even listen that night.       

If you look at my eyes, you will see a lovely  fourteen year girl. If you look at my smile, you will find nothing wrong. If you pull up my shirt, you will see the bruises. Why my back does have the copy of  the thin stick with which I was beaten up? Why my breasts do have the marks of crying finger nails? Why my genital does remind me as used by ashtray for cigars? What did I do to make the world so mad about my flesh?

But what is my fault? Who silenced the voice of 'you can'? Who disappeared the reasons which always made me to believe that 'it will change'? Who I am a person in between the war zone? What is my existence? Do I have to believe that the belief of 'there will be my turn' is dead? 

No one sees the war I silently fight very single moment. Is there a day when my war will love to pull a full-stop rather than a semi biased communist question mark? I don't know. But still I have a hope. My grandma used to say, "whatever may be the sin, if you accept it and seek blessing from Lord Ram, he will protect you. He will forgive you". I already have accepted my guilty of closing my eyes to enjoy the wars of Ramayana. I vowed before Lord Ram that I will never close my eyes again. I know he will forgive me for my childish sin and will guide me to choose the right side in the war of mine. I know, he will.

The court is adjourned for the day. Knowing that my grandma is ill, I went with a hope to ask her about which side of the war I should take. But I don't know why my grandma is also not closing her eyes from evening.